Poem by Ernie Nelson /
i knew he’d keep it safe
im so scared that my visions are whispered by false gods
that the only things keeping me alive have nothing to do
with my life
maybeIneedtogotobed
i shouldn’t be allowed this late at night
i can’t trust myself with the moon
can’t trust that i can make it through these changes
they asked if i would be safe where i’m going
the truth is i don’t know
how can anywhere be safe in this body
anywhere be safe in this world against me
in this mind that cheats and steals time that does not belong to them
i wish the moon could pause her phases for me
i cannot bear the truth of who i am
i don’t have the time to process and progress
i look in mirrors and i see a stranger. i always have.
maybe we are not meant to see ourselves. maybe we are only meant to be seen. maybe mirrors were meant to be pools that we could fall into.
where is the bottom of this deep well inside me?
where do i stop and the melancholy begin?
sometimes it is slow like the warm coaxing of a wine into your blood
it doesn’t feel like sadness right away
and other times it is automatic and terrifying
i am consumed with no warning and i am back to the moments i’ve been recovering from
i hate the word regression. i feel like i’m trying so hard to gain an inch and i don’t want to dismiss myself.
it doesn’t feel like going backward.
More like a turn that deviates from straightforwardness. A detour. A delay.
what is it like to be anything but myself
(yet i feel i’ve never been myself at the same time)
can i become anything
am i becoming?
please keep the her safe in case in your dresser drawer
wherever you keep your dreams please keep a part of me there too
maybe i cannot die if i put myself inside enough dressers
enough jewelry boxes
maybe the sun keeps rising and it’s not about me
maybe if i have enough love in my heart it can flush out the storms that cloud the sun
the sun is always there even when we cannot see her
why doesn’t that feel like enough. why can’t i trust something so universally accepted?
i believe in things that have no physical evidence while i cannot believe the things that have been known forever
and i can’t hold a moonbeam in my hand
Ernie Nelson (he/they) is a queer, trans student from Loveland, Colorado. They’ve been writing poetry from a young age and self-published a short chapbook titled “If You Are Still” in 2021. He enjoys making oddly specific playlists and has over 542 on spotify.
