Poem by Max Gardinier /
my hair grows longer
& i put on some weight
i clutch the lamb to my
chest he has no idea
i’m not afraid that’s not
what these tears are for
but what if what if
i was never really happy,
never really full & if
this is my chance
i won’t try to stop it
the lamb stirs & sleeps
sound in soundless
transformation
dear God, i do not want to die
i just want to like myself
i wished for all my life
to be a man i tried so hard
and friends smiled at me
even on those days
i recognized nothing
and now i’m on my way
i don’t need to be alone
i’m on the kitchen floor
guess i should’ve swept
these pills will take me
somewhere new not
a death, a reunion
you’re just max, that’s
what josh always says,
& this lamb is just max
& this heat is just God
& we all protect each other
cus life isn’t kind & my lamb
trembles in his sleep
i think he might be dreaming
Max Gardinier is a senior English major at Colgate and the editor-in-chief of Allegorical Athena. She just completed her thesis, a collection of poetry, and she looks forward to living with her cats post-graduation.
